


To The One I Should Have Never Left

by mxdrill



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Chae Hyungwon/Shin Hoseok - Freeform, I wrote this at school, Letters, M/M, Mentioned Chae Hyungwon, chae hyungwon - Freeform, he's just mentioned, it's very true to my heart and I still can't believe I wrote it, love letter, my friends all somehow like it, not rlly minhyuk, sad ig, shin hoseok - Freeform, wonho - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 17:04:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17943692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxdrill/pseuds/mxdrill
Summary: hoseok sends hyungwon a get well letter and hopes for the best.





	To The One I Should Have Never Left

_**Letter to my flower, left to wither in the snow.** _

_Honest to God I had no idea what I was feeling the moment I left you. I’m bad with emotions, as we both know I am. But, I think I felt regret. I felt it as I watched your face after you realized I was going to leave. I stood up and walked away, as if everything you had confessed was of little importance. It wasn’t, at all._

_I was extremely excited, I hope is the word for it. It was as if I wanted to jump off a building, not for the wish of death but for the wish of experiencing change and ecstasy all at the same time. That’s my odd definition of excitement._

_When we hugged for the first time, I wasn’t sure what I felt and I’m still not sure. It was a warm feeling rather than the exciting one. My heart didn’t race like the many other times despite the physical contact, instead it was cosy and comforting. Almost as if I was drinking hot chocolate back at the apartment, the one before this mess took place. But I wasn’t drinking hot chocolate alone, it was with you. Those times when we sat on the couch and watched Queer Eye together and cried every episode, it was just like then. What I mean to say is that I was content. Another feeling I’ve found a way to describe._

_You love volleyball. I know that’s a weird, random thought but I just figured I’d mention it incase you forgot over the years. It wasn’t your fault, Minhyuk was already going to have to get surgery, someone had to be the tipping point. I remember how you felt, more specifically how sad you were, crying all those nights, wanting company but refusing it just as fast as you craved it. I think at those times I was feeling some sort of anxiousness, yet stronger than that. Like you wanted to jump off a building just like I had, yet for a much darker reason. My mind was filled with insects at the time, they roamed around like vultures on a carcass. It hurt, physically and mentally. The anxiety I felt for your safety and then the sobbing I heard at night pilled up in my thoughts, I began to overthink and somehow I couldn’t stop worrying about Minhyuk either because if he wasn’t going to be okay then would you be?_

_Minhyuk was fine, you were fine but my fear still lingered. Now I know, for good reason._

_Speaking of tipping points, I also remember that you like waterparks. It’s a strange implement but I know that they have those splashing buckets that you enjoy to stand under so much, waiting for it to dump cold freezing water on you. I still don’t understand how you can shower like that but I know that it puts a smile on your face each time you do. Somehow since then I also began to shower with cold water, I just have to say it was not as pleasurable as your happy expression made it seem. But I do love it when I see that smile on your face, it gives me the feeling of the sun, but it doesn’t burn. It’s the optimal amount of heat, not enough that it feels like a bland sunny day but enough that it feels like a beach day. We know those days. Those days when you would finally let me drive your car because you’re too afraid to cross that one bridge that leads to the shore. Those days when we’d pack the towels, floats, beers and head off. I miss them. I miss them because that’s when we both felt happy._

_I felt like crying. You didn’t and still don’t see your worth. I’m not mad at you for it because I can visually see how hard it is for you. How hard it must be to tell yourself, “I’m worth it.” I know it’s hard. I wish it wasn’t, I wish it wasn’t because we wouldn’t be in this position if it was that easy. You wouldn’t be hurting, we could’ve had so many good things if we both made the right decisions. I left you, I can’t change that but I returned. I returned but it was too late._

_Please tell me truthfully, am I worth your pain?_

_I don’t think I am but you may believe otherwise. I hope that you’ll like this get well letter. I love you, everything I’ve expressed is from my love for you._

**_Love, Hoseok._ **


End file.
